Hello, Hell Gate readers. It's been a while—and for that, I apologize.
I flew down to the Dominican for my ex-wife's brother's Saint Patrick's Day wedding at an all-inclusive resort in Santo Domingo. By the time I came up for air a month later, I was sharing a room with the back half of a bachelorette party at the Grand Bávaro Princess in Punta Cana, plagued by the feeling that I'd forgotten about something important. A quick glance at the latest headlines on the complimentary WiFi confirmed my worst fears: "Landemonium"? Tweeting out your March Madness bracket? It was obvious that messaging from some of the politicos vying for the chance to be New York City's next mayor had faltered badly in my absence, and were in dire need of a helping hand—my freshly tanned hand, to be exact. I booked my ticket back to the city the next day and went straight to the Empire Stratagem Partners office in Midtown East. My fingers danced across the keyboard, guided by the spirit of electoral victory. I hope the resulting screed reaches the right audience: staffers looking to break into those coiffures and spend some of those matching funds on counsel from a communications master.
The following are a series of campaign slogans, to be deployed with the next polls, and possibly broken out at the Hell Gate and New York Focus Democratic mayoral forum on May 15. (I see the Hell Gate staffers also made an attempt to replace me in my absence. Real cute, kids, but leave it to professionals from now on.) If only I'd been able to give out my sage advice sooner, more of these candidates would probably be in a position to use them.