This Poor, Dumb Rodent Doesn’t Know a Thing

Another February, another farce. It's "Groundhog Day," meaning it's time to lie to children (and credulous adults) and tell them that a giant wild rat knows whether we're going to have an "early spring" or six more weeks of winter. Turns out that "Staten Island Chuck," the unfortunate designee of our primitive superstition this year, did not see his shadow (it's a cloudy morning), so we're supposed to believe that any of this means anything, much less an accurate meteorological prediction that spring will arrive early this year.

What the fuck does any of this even mean? What does it mean for a groundhog to "see its shadow"? How could we possibly know whether it does or it doesn't? It turns out that there isn't some discrete groundhog behavior that can be attributed to the rodent apprehending the sight of its shadow at all, and this is all based on some Celtic myth about a divine hag.

Isn't it time to put away these childish things? Setting aside the obvious, which is that our meteorological apparatuses are much more capable of predicting the fluctuations in the weather, this video clip below is just so insulting and sad. I mean, just look at this miserable rodent trying to figure out why the this crowd of people is screaming at him, and then watch as the announcers inexplicably and deceptively try to intuit some notion of what he's sensing, thinking, or feeling, and then, when you and I can see that literally nothing of significance has happened, announcing a predetermined lie about the future of our weather.

Being dropped by a giant bird-shaped man would be a merciful end to that torment. It's time to drop the act. We must focus on more important things. Like an owl. 

What does "six more weeks of winter" even mean, meteorologically? Anyway, links:

• It's been a year since Flaco, New York's favorite central Eurasian eagle-owl, was freed from the Central Park Zoo, but the City's Parks Department and zoo officials are no closer to figuring out who let the apex predator with a six-foot wingspan onto the city streets. 
• Bronx Borough President Vanessa Gibson says residents don't want a new housing development for the formerly incarcerated in their backyard.
• Larry David assaulted Elmo.
• Let's hear James out:

• The Port Authority bus terminal will be remade into a "world-class facility," downgrading its former description of its transformation to "the most desirable destination in Manhattan."
• The future of housing development at Atlantic Yards will be put in limbo by an upcoming debt auction.
• Two doctors were fired for social media posts about the war in Gaza. One seems to have been rehired.
• Hell yeah: These parents at a New Jersey high school wrestling meet got into it themselves.
• A CIA leaker and child pornography-haver was sentenced to 40 years after offending a judge by calling the deplorable conditions at the Metropolitan Detention Center "New York City's own Auschwitz."
• Governor Kathy Hochul has issued a frothing call for migrants who were in an altercation with two NYPD officers, caught in a viral video, to be deported.
• The governor's plans to slash funding to NYC schools could remove $131 million from their budgets.
• A woman in Brooklyn allegedly set her neighbor on fire over a personal debt.
• More alleged victims of a Long Island teacher accused of dozens of instances of molestation have come forward.
• A couple of open gangway cars are now running on the C subway line.
• On stage at a concert in NYC last night, Justin Timberlake said he's apologizing to "absolutely fucking nobody," and then played "Cry Me a River."
• Luxury fashion brands are competing to buy up Fifth Avenue real estate.
• And finally: