Despite all the planets' hard work, we've made it to 2023. And it's starting out with a bang—we're solidly in Capricorn season, a time to delight in your inner overachiever and enjoy the sensation of sweating through dozens of winter layers in a heated subway car.
There's some exciting stuff to look forward to in this entry point to a new year. A full moon in Cancer that hits on January 6 will usher in an emotional release, one we must insist you do not utilize to attempt any sort of insurrection. On January 12, Mars leaves that pesky retrograde we warned you about back in November, so your life, which has presumably been in shambles for weeks, can finally right itself. And on January 18, we'll see an end to a Mercury retrograde that slipped in there somewhere last month and honestly explains a lot.
All this leads up to Aquarius season, a time to celebrate all the New Yorkers who can never have outdoor birthday parties and therefore deserve our sympathy. Read on to see what else the planets have in store for us this month.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
It's your season, hardworking Capricorn! Pepper it with your favorite activities, like buying a new planner and then buying a second new planner just in case you run out of room in your first one by mid-February. Never mind that everyone else has discovered that work is bullshit and career success is fleeting. You'll show them! (By buying a third planner—just in case.)
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
Your special season kicks in this month, bringing with it a solar return that will have you ready to fulfill your full potential. Indeed, on January 14, you will manage to single-handedly unclog your sink drain using the exact recommended amount of Drano. Unfortunately, this is the extent of your potential. It's all downhill from here.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
The bedbugs got their grandchildren musical recorders for Christmas. They are learning to play "Hot Cross Buns." The squeaking haunts you in your sleep.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
January will be a month of reflection for you, one in which you realize that the landlord you've been paying rent to for months doesn't actually own the building you live in. What's more, he's just been elected to represent New York's Third Congressional district.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You decide to start the year off on a healthy note by taking part in Dry January. The radiators in your apartment decide to support you by taking the tradition literally, i.e., sucking all the moisture out of the air until your body is nothing but a dry crumbling husk. Don't worry, your nose will stop bleeding by May.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
This month, the planets want you to seek out new and novel experiences, so you head to a legal dispensary to have the liberating experience of smoking legally purchased weed for the first time in NYC, only to be immediately fined for violating the 2011 public smoking ban.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
The "Rick and Morty"-themed advent calendar you've been using as your main source of nutrition for the last few weeks has caught the attention of your neighbors, i.e., the rats that live in your wall. Best of luck.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
While waiting for the Q train at DeKalb, you spot the elusive Rat King, a collection of rats whose tails have somehow managed to bind together to form one giant rodent. As you watch the rats wiggle along the tracks in tandem, you can't shake the feeling that your year has already peaked. You are correct.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Capricorn season is a good time for you to immerse yourself in beauty and art, so you decide to take a day off of work and head to MoMA for a cultural adventure. It's been years since you've been to a museum, and you just know you'll emerge a new, better, more worldly person post-visit. The entrance fee is $25, but there's no price on exposure to art—in fact, you spring for the annual membership, because now that you're a cultural connoisseur, you are certain you'll be back here every week. You walk around for 10 minutes, see two Picassos, get bored, and go home. You never return to the museum again.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
After months of planet-stoked drama, the Cancer full moon pushes you toward self care. Like your pal Gemini, you too head to a newly opened legal weed dispensary and treat yourself to a pack of gummies, but get a little too hungry and eat five of them at once. You then experience a full-on anxiety attack on your couch while watching an episode of "Emily in Paris," one you attribute to the marijuana coursing through your bloodstream, and need to stand outside in the cold to remind yourself that you are a real human being and not a Darren Starr-created manic pixie dream girl who dresses like a wedding cake and is the villain in her own story. Later, you discover the gummies were CBD-only. The psychosis is all you, baby.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 22)
You will write "2022" on your first rent check of the year in the hopes that your landlord can't cash it. This will be unsuccessful.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)
The planets want you to get a pet to help you make it through yet another cold, lonely winter, so you adopt a sweet kitty from a local shelter and take it to the vet to get spayed shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, it turns out the veterinary clinic you went to is actually a crisis pregnancy center kept open by Judge Hector LaSalle, and your cat ends up giving birth to six more cats on your $2,000 West Elm loveseat.