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Aquarians and Pisces, Beware: February Is Going to Get Freaky

We've made it past the only lightly tolerable winter month (January) and are plunging directly into two of the worst months of the year.

11:30 AM EST on February 1, 2023

(Foto Phanatic / Unsplash)

In an incredible turn of events, we've made it past the only lightly tolerable winter month (January) and are plunging directly into two of the worst months of the year. Indeed, the novelty of sweaters and practicing hygge by never leaving your house has worn off, and all that's left is the distressing sense that our pal The Sun will never again shed its light on the Northeast. And this is somehow made worse, and not better, by the fact that this winter has been almost entirely devoid of snow, which either means the polar bears will all be dead in two weeks or we'll get weekly blizzards in May, who can say! 

So that's what the planet we live on probably has in store for us—now, what about all the planets in the sky?

They're cooking up their own plate of madness, with milestones including a full moon in Leo on February 5, the start of super chill Pisces season on February 18, a new moon in Pisces on February 19, and a period of greeting card-mandated hell on February 14. What does this all mean? Unclear. But a wise horoscope I read this week pointed out that all babies conceived around this time will be Scorpios, so maybe triple-condom it on Valentine's Day. 

Here's what else is happening this month:

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

It's your season, clever Aquarian, and you'll spend the start of it having a pretty great time! In fact, you have such a great time during the first week or so of the month that you make it to the mythical 12th OMNY swipe, and spend a subway ride basking in the glory of ushering in a brief but beautiful period of free public transit. Unfortunately, you're so busy gloating that you drop your wallet on the platform without noticing and have to cancel the credit card you were using to swipe. Goodbye, sweet fare cap. You will never meet again.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

The bedbug children need braces. They have twelve million tiny teeth. As the primary dental insurance holder, you're expected to foot the bill. None of the bugs even care that it's your birthday.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

For you, dear Aries, Aquarius season is all about risk-taking. You decide to gamble on New York's historically warm winter and wear a jean jacket to work, only to discover too late that it is the one day of the month when the temperature drops into the teens. 

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

On February 15, every single train line you live off of will spontaneously combust in the middle of your commute. Consider moving to Santa Fe ahead of this. 

GEMINI (May 21-June 21)

February is your major month of romance, dear Gemini, so you shell out the big bucks to take your sweetie on a Valentine's Day date to see "Bananas in Pyjamas on Ice." But when you arrive at the venue, you are whisked out by security without explanation. It turns out that you once tweeted, "Eat my ass, fuckshit!" at James Dolan after a particularly devastating 2015 Knicks loss, and now his facial recognition technology police has you banned from all his venues for the rest of your miserable life.

CANCER (June 22-July 22)

You dream of a blizzard, but for weeks, it does not come. Until one morning, when you wake up to find that the cars parked outside your window are buried in snow. You might be a witch. Your neighbors with cars curse you; you, a witch, merely curse them back.

LEO (July 23-August 22)

This is a good month for you to take some extra precautions. You look both ways before crossing the street. You avoid lighting candles in your apartment. You stay away from the bodega hot bar. A man sneezes on your arm on the train, so when you get home, you saw it off with a box cutter.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

You attempt to use February's shorter day count as a reason to knock some money off your rent. This proves unsuccessful. 

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

You become convinced that your houseplants are rearranging themselves while you sleep. The monstera by the living room window is now on the coffee table. The kitchen ficus has taken up residence in the bathroom. The fiddle leaf is so close to the pothos that you suspect you will have to have a talk with them about the stamens and the pistils. 

SCORPIO (October 23-November 22)

Good news: Your hot upstairs neighbor has parted ways with the live-in girlfriend who kept leaving the recycling on the landing, and he is now newly single, just in time for Valentine's Day. Bad news: He has apparently discovered the post-breakup healing powers of the seminal 2014 Taylor Swift single "Shake It Off," which he plays at top volume over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)

This is a good month for you to get back in touch with your inner adolescent, so you attend a vigil for the Regal Union Square. Everyone eats stale popcorn and reminisces about the movies they only saw half of because the projector stalled. Tears are shed. R-rated movies you snuck into are remembered. Never mind that the last time you saw a movie at a theater that wasn't an Alamo Drafthouse or a Nitehawk, Obama was still president.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

You are taking a stroll down Madison Avenue when you notice the Empire State Building is lit up in green. Suddenly, the pedestrians around you are dressed in cargo shorts and flip flops. One of them pelts you with batteries. You are filled with a sense of indignant inferiority that can only be diminished by drinking enough of something called a "Citywide" that you puke outside of a Wawa. Ben Franklin drives by in the Phillie Phanatic's ATV. Something isn't right.

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