If Trump Is Arrested, Everyone Should Get the Week Off

This week, as a Manhattan grand jury reconvenes to hear evidence about Donald Trump's allegedly illicit hush-money payments to Stormy Daniels, to decide whether a former sitting president will be arrested and charged with a crime for the first time in our nation's history, bullshit levels are steadily increasing. 

Over the last 72 hours alone: a group of congressmen wrote a stupid letter intending to threaten the Manhattan DA; the former president posted an actually threatening picture of him holding a baseball bat next to that same DA; the former president flew into Waco, Texas, to the "Top Gun" soundtrack and did one of his stream-of-consciousness speeches which CNN, a network that has learned nothing in 10 years, dutifully spent time and resources "fact-checking"; New York's disgraced former governor called the whole thing "a cancer in our body politic"; the tabloid owned by the guy who bears more responsibility for Donald Trump than any other single person now says Trump is bad; Andy Borowitz hasn't posted since the 23rd and is obviously edging himself into a state of ecstasy heretofore unseen in the scientific record; as of this writing the helicopters are swirling around Lower Manhattan, burning fuel, making noise.

Enough!

Whether you believe the charges against Trump are bogus or thin or righteous or fair, one thing is certain: This shit is exhausting. Which is why, if they actually fucking arrest this guy, we all deserve the rest of the week off, and President Joe Biden should declare the rest of this week a wash—"America Needs a Break" or something. The minute Trump is arrested, Biden should call a press conference at an ice cream parlor and tell Americans that while this is very serious and everything, we should probably take some time to recharge, visit our family, enjoy the first signs of spring, the trial itself is a ways off and there will be plenty of time to care about it when it happens. Then the press will ask him what he got on his ice cream cone ("I like peanut butter cups, I also got it dipped, OK?") and then the rest of us will figure out whether we want to try and take a little trip or just sleep for like, four days.

Some might argue that declaring a national holiday whenever a former sitting president is arrested might set a weird precedent, or give this event an unseemingly kind of partisan weight to it, but just tell me that you think this guy doesn't need any time off: 

If you get a surprise week of vacation you might "violently protest," sure, maybe after you check out that timeshare in the Dominican Republic that your uncle's been begging you to see, or shit, baseball season starts on the 30th? Damn, I wonder if I could make a few day games…

Anyway we're pretty sure that Mayor Eric Adams could do this too if he wanted (our lawyers are looking into it). The NYPD shouldn't be the only ones who are allowed to profit off of mass unrest!

Here are some links to read during your week off:

• Republican Brooklyn City Councilmember Inna Vernikov is in trouble for allegedly using her government email to solicit business.
• This judge is actually cool, and our ruling is final.
• Alabama and Wyoming have more safeguards for Native American graves than New York State does but apparently Governor Kathy Hochul isn't concerned about that.
• NYPD officers shot and critically injured a man in the Bronx during a "medical episode" in an encounter that lasted 28 seconds.
• State lawmakers are weighing whether to charge a 25 cent tax for each Amazon delivery which is great but also aren't there New Yorkers who have billions and billions of dollars that they cannot hope to spend while they are on this earth? 
• Related: 75 percent of New York voters support taxing the rich.
• We're paying a Hollywood firm $5 million every year to help the NYPD recruit cops.
• Don't let the kicker fool you, this is a mostly glowing profile of Steve Cohen.