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Morning Spew

Nothing Happened

You aren't going to believe this...

(Don Ramey Logan / Wikicommons)

As avid readers of Hell Gate know, every weekday morning we strive to update you with this, our Morning Spew. But between Hell Gate closing for business yesterday evening, and as of press time, for the first time in Hell Gate's history, nothing happened in New York City.

In lieu of news, we wanted to take this opportunity to give readers a peek behind the scenes at the Hell Gate process. In the basement of the Hell Gate offices is a special facility in which we deploy rigorous and frequently deadly animal testing. Using special and highly controversial breeding techniques, we've engineered a species of rat that is capable of being finely attuned to, in turn, the radio frequencies used by NYPD, FDNY and other emergency responders, as well as the broadband networks used to populate the RSS feeds of many of our competing local news publications. 

At the end of every workday, Hell Gate releases dozens and dozens of these "rats" into the city. Then, while Hell Gate's worker-owners are sound asleep in the beds of our lavishly-appointed apartments, our rodent thralls get to work, assembling a "spew top" that wryly comments on the evening's news, and gathering the various "links" necessary to furnish the "bottom" of the blog post. Hell Gate's worker-owners can then roll out of bed, hungover, at around 9 a.m. every morning, flip a switch that releases an override frequency forcibly recalling the rats to base, and hit "send" on whatever those little fuckers have produced, while the rodents deal with the punishing biological effects of their nightly ordeal, most often in the form of intense bouts of vomiting—hence, "Morning Spew." Why do you think these things don't have a byline?

It's an easy life, or at least it was, until this morning, when, for the very first time, we found the docket empty. We were, as we usually are, quick to come to the conclusion that cruel punishment was in order for our rats. But, just before we flipped the switch that would have instantly (but still painfully) exterminated all of them, we looked around at the various publications covering New York City, and knew that the flaw was not with them. It was true: Between 5 p.m. Thursday May 30, and 9 a.m. of this morning, nothing happened in New York City, for perhaps the first time in the city's history.

We're as frightened and unsettled by this as you are. But here at Hell Gate we feel fairly confident that this anomaly will not be repeated (the rats better hope it doesn't), and we would like for our readers to rest assured that this will never happen again. In the meantime, we implore you to step outside and enjoy this brisk, newsless morning.

Just kidding:

  • Donald Trump was found guilty in 34 felony counts yesterday, and the New York Post is reacting to that information calmly and normally:

As are people on X:

As are the participants in this somewhat heartbreaking scene in Boerum Hill:

As are these toasters wearing Nantucket Red pants in Park Slope:

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