It's December at last, which means New York's indisputable worst month (November) is over, though we're not far from New York’s second and third worst months, February and March. (August is the fourth worst, do not @ me, I am a professional.)
We've got a few exciting astrological events coming up, including a full moon in gossipy Gemini on December 7, which means it's a good time for reporters to press their sources for the good leaks. Most importantly, the end of Sagittarius season and start of girlboss Capricorn season coincides with the winter equinox, aka the official start of winter and the shortest day of the year. It's only uphill from here, folks! Unless you're Elizabeth Holmes, that is. But don't worry, Caps, she's an Aquarius.
Here's what the planets portend for you this month:
SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)
Sagittariuses are kind of boring, it turns out. Nobody likes a perfect little teacher's pet! But since December makes up the bulk of your special season, it makes sense that good things are coming your way this month. The dry December air will keep your hair in place, the heat in your apartment will find its happy medium, you'll remember to close your tab at the bar before you're 30 minutes away in an Uber—yeah, life is good. Everyone else's life is in shambles of course, but hey, there's a reason you're the most disliked sign.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
It's kind of ironic that workaholic Capricorn's season begins at the peak employee burnout period, but fear not! Your relentless enthusiasm for maintaining your pointless existence as a cog in the machine will propel you as you insist on coming into work the week between Christmas and New Year's, while your colleagues would rather spend all day in the JFK security line than brave one more morning train commute before the calendar year closes. Know that this is sick behavior, and you should feel shame for it.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
December is a great month for a homebody Aquarius, thanks to its miserable windchill and 2 p.m. sunsets, and you'll happily spend most if not all your evenings bundled up on your couch watching old episodes of "The Great British Bake Off." On one such evening a week or so after the full moon, you'll notice a bubble forming slowly on your ceiling. At first, you think it's an illusion—surely, that's just the light reflecting off of Matt Lucas's hideous glasses, providing yet another reason the show should fire him. And yet, the bubble grows bigger…and bigger…and bigger…until the pressure pops a tiny hole in the paint and sends a stream of brown water right onto your coffee table. You run upstairs and knock on your neighbor's door, but they're out of town until the new year. Your landlord says he can't access their apartment, and can't you just stick a bucket under the leak until it stops? But it never stops. IT NEVER STOPS.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
The bedbugs have gotten into musical theater. They demand that you take them to see "Hadestown." They will not accept tickets to a matinee performance, so don't even think about it.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Sweet Aries, you'll be giving in to your famed wild side this month. Normally, you don't have packages sent to your apartment building, where they are sure to be snatched as soon as they're dropped. You've been sending them to a variety of locations instead—your office, the Walgreens seven blocks away, your great-aunt's doorman building in Tribeca—but for the last few weeks, two Lululemon packages have been sitting in your building's entryway, undisturbed. You have marveled at these Lululemon packages, having once had a box of sunscreen stolen within 30 seconds of delivery. Buoyed by these virgin Lululemon bags, these beautiful, plastic-wrapped promises that a package can soon be yours without necessitating coordination or travel, you order $300 worth of goods from Sephora. The package is delivered while you're at the grocery store and stolen within three minutes.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Venus and Capricorn team up this month, and their wretched partnership will bless you with a month of unexpected gifts. But much like the feral cat that keeps leaving a pigeon's carcass on your front stoop, there are no guarantees they will be gifts you actually want to receive.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
The stars want you to embrace family this month, dear Gemini, so you invite your relatives to visit you this holiday season, because you have a kind heart and also because you have run out of airline miles. Unfortunately, you have forgotten that your brother is a diehard "Seinfeld" fan, despite having never set foot in New York City, and he wants you to show him all the spots—Monk's Café, Jerry's apartment building, Joe's Fruit Shop, you name it. You do not have the heart to tell him that "Seinfeld" was actually filmed at CBS Studios in Los Angeles, so after showing him the facade of Tom's on the Upper West Side, you take him around to a random store nearby and tell him it used to be the Chinese restaurant from the second season. He's thrilled! Then, he asks you to take him to all the places from "Friends."
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
December promises to bring big changes to your love life, and indeed, shortly after the full moon on December 7, you'll meet a dashing young gentleman on Hinge. The first date goes splendidly, and you're certain you're already falling in love. He tells you he's going to the Bahamas for Christmas, which seems perfectly normal, but once he leaves for his trip, he ghosts. You're devastated—until you discover that this young man was not simply a delightful date, but a crypto bro on the run from the law. You delete all the apps, adopt a cat, and swear off dating forever.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
You'll lose a sock in the laundry. The sock will haunt you in your sleep. You will never recover from this.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Everything is going just swell for you until Ticketmaster sues you for threatening them with an act of war in a blog about trying to see a Taylor Swift concert. You do eventually get tickets for the Philly show off of StubHub, though whether or not you'll be able to pay your rent anymore is up in the air.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
This is a great month for you to take some risks! So you'll make your way to a crossroads, summon a demon, and sell your soul in exchange for the Mets cutting a deal with Jacob deGrom to keep him on the team. They offer him $55 million, his rotator cuff permanently severs during spring training, and you burn in hell for eternity.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 22)
This month, the planets want you to champion the causes most dear to your heart. You'll channel that energy into environmental efforts, including and not limited to protesting Rockefeller Center's annual tree murder, for which decades' worth of unsuspecting stately evergreens have been sacrificed for the sick pleasure of the holiday-hungry masses. You head uptown, sneak past security and seven million tourists, and chain yourself to the tree. After several days of persistence, you begin to grow weary. Is your mission doomed to fail? Does anyone care about this? If the tree is already dead, what does chaining yourself to it even accomplish? To your surprise, late one night into your protest, you are visited by the family of birds that live inside the tree. You brace yourself, expecting to be brutally pecked. But instead, you are treated with gratitude. "Thank you, kind Scorpio!" the birds chirp at you. "You are our only hope!" The bird visitation gives you the strength to carry on, though in retrospect you are so hungry and cold that you might have hallucinated the whole thing.
