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July Cancer Chaos is Upon Us

Bonus: We've got a full moon in Capricorn on July 13, which has some "facts don't care about your feelings" energy.

Family gets caught in the rain on Broadway on Monday, June 27, 2022. (Michael Appleton/Mayor’s Office)

June was a month full of daily horrors, one in which a vicious Taurus, Virgo, Aries, and three Aquariuses conspired to unleash national and planetary hell. The Zodiac alignments claim July will be a confusing one, with Mercury entering Cancer and Mars entering Taurus on July 5. The former suggests a few weeks of passivity and the latter embraces reclaiming power, so we're either all going back to brunch or banding together to start a civil war. Hard to know.

Other highlights: We've got a full moon in Capricorn on July 13, which has some "facts don't care about your feelings" energy, and Mercury entering Leo on July 19, which will inspire us to lean on bold communication—we've got a list of congressional representatives right here for you to contact when that hits.

And Leo season starts on July 22 with a big ol' confidence boost, which bodes well for August, or as well as can be in end times.

CANCER (June 22-July 22)

It's your season, Cancer, and though the planets aren't necessarily celebrating your continued survival, they do want you to treat yourself to something nice sometime in the middle of the month. Perhaps a lobotomy? A sleeping pill that'll shoot you 50 years into the future? A move to an apartment off a train line that runs less than every 20 minutes during rush hour? The possibilities are truly endless.

LEO (July 23-August 22)

July portends to be a month of big changes and money-making opportunities, and indeed, some dude sitting next to you at Sharlene's will help hook you up with a new job. Unfortunately, that job is with an ambiguous Midtown-based crypto firm that goes bankrupt immediately. Don't worry: Mom's excited to have you back home just in time for your birthday.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Ever-anxious Virgos have been extra on-edge for the last few months, thanks to the planetary alignments and also some other stuff that might be going on. But Mercury's move into Cancer is going to help jolt that anxiety into action. Yes, you'll finally clean out your A/C filter and force your friend to come over and "help" you install it—i.e. do all the installation work while you hang onto the cord and pretend you won't just let the unit go if it slips out the window.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

Libras are set for a sexy money month, and indeed, thanks to inflation, you're getting an eight percent raise! Unfortunately, your rent is going up 15 percent, so.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 22)

July is shaping up to be a month of conflict for you, and you'll likely have to square off with some passive-aggressive behavior from your romantic partner. They'll start saying things like, "You can't deny that Aaron Judge is a great player," and, "I don't think Yankee Stadium is that ugly," and "The food at Citi Field is kind of overrated." They will subtly remind you that the Mets haven't won a World Series in your conscious lifetime, and the Yankees have won at least five. They'll insist that blue and orange are a hideous combination. It may be time for a divorce.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)

July 13 is blessing us with a full moon in Capricorn, which for you, dear Sagittarius, predicts some good luck in your second house of money and self-sufficiency. That's right—you're hitting those sweet 12 OMNY swipes, and you've got free rides for the rest of the week. Go nuts, because this is never happening again.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

Typically goal-driven Capricorns might have dipped into a quieter and less combative zone over the last couple of months, but July's mid-month full moon is going to inspire you to rediscover your voice. And you'll be directing that voice right at your upstairs neighbors and their Soundbar, because if you have to hear that godforsaken theme song from "The Office" one more time, you are absolutely going to burn down your apartment building.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

The planets tell me you're getting arrested outside Chuck Schumer's apartment building this month. Reasons unclear. Best of luck.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

Bad news, Pisces: You have two retrogrades coming up this month. Vesta, the largest body in the asteroid belt, goes retrograde in Pisces on July 7, and the asteroid Juno goes retrograde in Pisces on July 25. What does this mean? Probably nothing, but if you get hit by a mysterious summer drip while on the sidewalk, assume it's poison and not just A/C water.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Vesta's early July retrograde is going to smack you with a vicious case of the blues, one that can only be mitigated by non-stop online panic-shopping. Unfortunately, you will accidentally send a package containing the $200 jumpsuit you spent months coveting to the building next door, whereupon it will immediately be seized by a neighbor who will taunt you by wearing it even in 90 degree weather. You could confront the neighbor, but that will involve talking to them, which you will never do. Instead, you'll attempt to will the pigeons nesting outside your windowsill to launch a Hitchcockian attack when you spy the neighbor walking by. The pigeons respond by pooping onto your bike seat.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

I'm sorry to report, spicy Taurus, that this will be a month of personal heartbreak for you. You will find that your favorite Manhattan bar has closed, and when you tearfully text all your friends to break the news, they'll tell you they knew this six months ago and no one even liked that terrible place, anyway, because the bathrooms were always out of toilet paper and they charged $6 for a Bud Heavy. You will feel so, so alone.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21)

July is looking to be a social month for you, one in which you make new friends unexpectedly. And by "friends," we mean the fellow building tenants who you'll have to organize with to get a rent reduction from your landlord after Con Ed shuts off your building's gas. You'll be on text threads together, edit increasingly strongly worded letters together, go to happy hours together, and promise to be best neighbor friends forever, until your landlord grants you all a ten percent reprieve, and then you literally never speak to any of them again for the rest of your life.

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