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Fresh Hell

Fall’s Hottest Accessory Is the Hell Gate Hat

Yes, the long-awaited, and much vaunted Hell Gate hats have finally arrived.

4:40 PM EDT on September 30, 2022

Hell Gate mascot Stiva showing off his stylish new hat.

Watch out Supreme, because you’re about to be put out of business. Yes, the long-awaited, and much vaunted Hell Gate hats have finally arrived. Union-made and sporting the hand-stitched logo of a worker-owned news publication, these “stylish fits fr fr” are sure to make appearances at establishments like Lucien, that equally mediocre Italian place across from it, and a nearby skate park filled with thirty-five year olds. 

How do I buy this “must cop,” you ask? Well it’s as simple as subscribing to Hell Gate—at our annual BELIEVER level. By becoming an annual BELIEVER, you’re entitled to one annual piece of swag (in this case, the hat), a Hell Gate sticker (perfect for water bottles!), and free entry to exclusive Hell Gate events (bonus points if you attend while wearing the Hell Gate hat). 

Hell Gate “the hat” is perfect for both signaling your exquisite taste to those in the know (“Ah, a purveyor of fine and biting local news coverage”) and piquing the interest of those who are as-of-yet unenlightened (“Tell me more about this Hell Gate, of which your hat advertises”).

Hell Gate cannot promise any of the following situations will happen to you while wearing this hat, however, we can definitely say it’s possible:

    • Upon being seen wearing the hat by Mayor Eric Adams, you’re invited to his reserved seat at Zero Bond, and asked to hit the exclusive Zero Bong.
    • Aaron Judge, squaring up for home run #62, sees you in the outfield bleachers, points his bat at you, and swiftly crushes a ball in your direction—you fight off a seven-year-old child, catch the ball (in your hat!), and are instantly a millionaire.
    • An MTA train conductor sees you get on the train and announces over the intercom that “usually we don’t do this,” but you’re going to get to drive the train. 
    • A wealthy couple calls you over and explains how the housesitter for their SoHo loft while they winter in Provence fell through, and would you be a doll and watch their place? They’ll even pay you!
    • You see Paul Rudd in lower Manhattan for the second time this week, but instead of you awkwardly trying to ignore him, he calls you over. “Hey, you like Hell Gate too?” he asks, following that up with, “Would you want to hang out?”

If you’re already an annual BELIEVER-level subscriber, please look out for an email shortly regarding delivery of your hats. 

Also, all BELIEVERS, please be on the lookout for an email regarding a Hell Gate Halloween gathering in the next few weeks. 

Thanks for supporting Hell Gate. Please believe in us, so you can get this cool hat. 

Hat’s off to ya!

Here’s more photos of Hell Gate mascot Stiva wearing the hat:

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