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Fresh Hell

The Hell Gate Guide to Dating on the Upper West Side for Strategically Separated Bachelors Who Owe Significant Fines to the City of New York

We've got you, Bill de Blasio.

Bill de Blasio in a brimmed hat and reflective sunglasses and pink and blue floral shirt

Oh hello there. (Twitter / NYC Mayor)

Bill de Blasio is single and ready to mingle—on the Upper West Side.

NY1 reports that the former mayor and visiting NYU professor is renting a one-bedroom apartment near Columbus Circle. A source told the outlet that de Blasio "wanted to try something new" and that the new digs were a "temporary thing" (is the source a guy named, uh, Phil de Mazzeo?).

This is the logical next step for a man who poured his heart out to the New York Times about consciously uncoupling from his wife, and then three months later was spotted sucking mondo face at a rooftop joint on West 63rd Street. De Blasio won more than 75 percent of the votes in certain parts of the Upper West Side during the 2017 mayoral election, so expect him to capture at least the same percentage of hearts.

However, the UWS is very different from de Blasio's other former, temporary home on the Upper East Side. To ensure that Hizzoner maximizes his time there—specifically by finding a partner who can afford to help pay down the hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines he has been hit with for disregarding clear ethics guidelines when he stuck taxpayers with bills for his doomed 2020 presidential run—we've created a list of tips and tricks for how this hot Italian padre can tear up the singles scene. #YOLO.

  1. Don't mention the debt.
  2. Go on MSNBC as much as possible.
  3. Find a bench near the reservoir, sit there holding a book of poetry, sigh romantically (at least six times an hour).
  4. Pretend you are an exiled Spanish nobleman who has fallen on hard times (use the Spanish you learned over eight years in office).
  5. To enhance the appearance that you come from nobility, casually note that your name is Wilhelm.
  6. Find a cute little Hungarian pastry shop, order a coffee, and write in your diary (must be able to fit into cute pastry shop).
  7. Talk about how you need a business loan for your dream career: opening a Hungarian pastry shop that can accommodate larger people.
  8. Don't get too emotionally involved. You are going back to Park Slope someday.
  9. Consider dating a Real Housewife.
  10. Do not eat at The Smith.
  11. Consider getting a side hustle at the Big Apple Circus.
  12. Loiter outside of Barney Greengrass and do a meet-cute ambush by bumping into people, helping them pick up all their sturgeon packages, and then locking eyes with them, dumbstruck at their beauty.
  13. Disparage the local homeless shelter.
  14. Whenever an e-bike delivery cyclist whizzes by on the street, grab your date by the arm and say, firmly, "I can't believe what they've done to this city."
  15. Learn to play piano, find a hotel bar where you can hone your act and then become "The Woody Allen of the UWS" (without the bad things).
  16. Jesus Christ you owe $474,000? OK…maybe you need to move to TriBeCa.
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