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What's Your Deal

The Starter’s Guide to Giants QB and NJ Icon Tommy DeVito Who in This House Is the Greatest Italian American Quarterback to Ever Live

Ayyyy, it's Tommy Cutlets.

1:54 PM EST on December 12, 2023

(Hell Gate)

Football in New York City effectively ended over a decade ago, when Eli Manning improbably Dick Van Dyke'd over an ottoman into not one, but TWO Super Bowl victories over Masshole messiah Tom Brady. The next few years, an interminable slog of misery for both the Giants and Jets, were enough to put football, always second fiddle to baseball and basketball in this town, away for good. The legalization of sports betting and its subsequent saturation of the airwaves made watching the games insufferable, not to mention all the CTE revelations and the Kapernick-blacklisting. In New York, it had reached its final form as a dreary nowhere sport, played in a stadium whose primary architectural influence appeared to be "parking garage" in the unreachable confines of the Meadowlands.

This year was no different: The permanently star-crossed Jets saw their mind palace quarterback snap his achilles on MetLife stadium's cursed turf on their first drive, and the Giants weren't just losing, they were losing so badly that they couldn't even keep a quarterback on the field

Like a large, bored, robed man rifling through his fridge in suburban New Jersey, the Giants pulled out whatever looked somewhat edible. In this case, it was a local product: undrafted practice squad quarterback Tommy DeVito, of nearby Cedar Grove, who won a state championship with local high school powerhouse Don Bosco Prep. The 25-year-old still lived with his parents. (His contract is worth $750,000 though, thanks NFL Players Association!) Tommy was thrust fully into the meat grinder in week ten and was summarily crushed by the rival Dallas Cowboys. 

But then a strange thing happened. Tommy DeVito, whose dad works in the plumbing and heating business in Northern New Jersey, and whose mom still cooks his meals for him, started winning.

First, the Giants knocked off the hapless Commanders, then the delightfully desiccated Patriots, and for his reward, Tommy DeVito was gifted a bye week, during which the New York metropolitan area could fall in love with this delectable local underdog hero.

"Cutlet mania taking over local delis as Tommy DeVito gets set for primetime," said one New York Post headline

"Tommy DeVito’s dad is an all-pro in his own profession," blared another

So where to begin? Like we said, Tommy lives at home with his mom and dad, and pays tribute to his proud Italian American heritage by flashing pinched fingers when he scores a touchdown and participating in such pastimes as ranking Italian food with New York Nico-adjactent food influencers

His parents host a giant cookout in the MetLife stadium parking lot before games, and Tommy got his new nickname, Tommy Cutlets, because of the cutlets his mom prepares for him every night. 

So, his parents are lovable—and the ever-growing DeVito contingent have steadily introduced an expanding universe of characters during this miracle run, including last night's incredible reveal of DeVito's agent, Sean Stellato.

Oh yeah, that's the good stuff. 

According to the doubters, last night was supposed to be the end of it all. DeVito was facing off against the Green Bay Packers who were rising through the ranks of the NFC under new quarterback Jordan Love, and actually are in the playoff race. 

But Tommy DeVito was not to be deterred. Look at this throw!

In classic Giants fashion however, it looked like they were about to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, when running back Saquon Barkley fumbled late, setting up a go-ahead touchdown for Green Bay.

But not if Tommy Cutlets had anything to do with it!

DeVito is a nice boy from Jersey, cares for his family, is already a state champion, and has suddenly made New York football fun again. 

These Giants aren't actually going anywhere this season, but DeVito's current record stands at 3-1 as a starter and he has a better QB rating than Philadelphia's Jalen Hurts. If he plays anywhere approaching the level he has been during their final four games, then he deserves to be the Giants permanent starting quarterback heading into next season. 

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌And if they won't give him that? Disgrazia!!! 🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

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