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The Experts Break Down Hell Gate’s NYC Hot Takes Bracket

Andrew Cuomo should be mayor, it's a proper punishment for his misdeeds vs. Bill de Blasio is a catch, and other important hypotheticals.

(Illustration by Hell Gate, Mohamed Nohassi / Unsplash)

Once again we have reached the end of March, a time of madness, the gathering crescendo of a great tourney, the end of a road upon which many set out, but only a few traverse entire.

Since we first published our second annual Hell Gate March Madness Hot Take Bracket earlier this month, the public has understandably been in a general state of uproar.

The bracket provoked conversation, discussion, takes about the takes, and a metadiscourse about chopped cheese that we're now even sorry we started.

But now the takes must battle it out! From these 64 exemplary competitors, only one will win. So we've put together some hot take bracketologists, who also happened to author the hot takes, to get to the bottom of the hottest take of all, previewing some of the spiciest match-ups, like:

  • If you live within a 15-minute walk of a restaurant, you should not be allowed to order delivery from it (5) vs. You should only be able to order delivery from restaurants within a 15-minute walk from you (12)
  • Andrew Cuomo should be mayor, it's a proper punishment for his misdeeds (7) vs. Bill de Blasio is a catch (10)
  • The Carbone private dining club looks fun and I would appreciate an invitation (7) vs. If you live in an apartment with a dog and it barks for hours every time you leave it alone, your neighbors are not in the wrong for complaining to your landlord (10)
  • If someone on the street asks you for a dollar, and you pull out your wallet and all you have is a $20, you must give them the $20 (5) vs. If you see someone selling candy on the subway, buy some candy (12)
  • Those nut vendors should be banned for false advertising (they're not that good) (2) vs. Clipping your nails on the subway is fine but EATING on the subway is not (15)
  • There should be a thing where on every subway car, one person is algorithmically selected to be able to share their phone screen onto all the video screens in the car (4) vs. If you actually want me to compost, I'm gonna need a City-sponsored coupon booklet or a tax write-off or some other incentive. Until then, my food waste is going in the trash! (13)
  • Flaco should have lived out the rest of his life in a cage the size of a minivan (3) vs. All the animals in the Central Park Zoo should be freed and allowed to roam the streets of New York City, like Flaco (14)
  • The MTA should play piped-in Muzak in subway stations (7) vs. Weed is too strong and New York state should pass a law to make it weaker (10)

Who will be victorious? Will we even announce a winner? Possible not! Even so, we felt it was time to bring back the now-irregularly-released Hell Gate Podcast!

Which of these magmatically thermogenic takes will advance? Listen to the podcast to find out!

New podcasts drop...every so often. And they're free! You can subscribe to the Hell Gate Podcast on Apple PodcastsSpotifyStitcher, or wherever you normally consume podcasts.

Drop us a line and tell us what you think of our hottest takes. If you enjoy our podcast, give us a five-star rating and tell your friends about it—and please subscribe to Hell Gate so we can make more!

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