Stop the Presses (Please): Mayor Adams Is Writing Another Book

When the news hit social media yesterday that Mayor Eric Adams is planning to write (or is currently in the process of writing?) another book, excitement tore through the Hell Gate offices. As fans and avid readers of the Eric Adams bibliography, we can't wait to get our hands on the mayor's next tome. But if something changes and he starts having trouble finding the time to prepare a manuscript while, you know, being the mayor of the biggest city in America, we've got some suggestions on a possible literary avenue the mayor could explore.

The mayor's most famous work, "Don't Let it Happen," was part of his public push as a state senator to teach New York parents how to make sure that their kids aren't harboring guns or drugs. Well, since the veracity of some of the material in the book has come under scrutiny lately, now is the perfect time to issue a new version of "Don't Let it Happen" that's factually bulletproof, but that also concludes by warning parents about a new, creative way youngsters are using to hide guns in plain sight: by disguising them as politicians. It's part-memoir, part-YA fantasy. 

What better way for a teen to hide a gun than to have it elected mayor of New York City? Who would ever think of that? This narrative twist will be what finally hammers home the shocking truth about the pervasiveness of contraband firearms, and how they could be anywhere: The mayor is a fucking gun. 

Don't Let It Happen 2: I Am A Gun 

And then, while the reader is still reeling from the revelation that the 63-year-old mayor has all along been 5 feet and 8 inches of cold-rolled steel, lock, stock and barrel, you hit them with another whammy: The book they're reading? The one they've just gotten to the last page of? That's no book, you sweet, trusting fool. It's the unforgiving iron grip of a Smith & Wesson .40 caliber handgun with the serial number filed off. This. Book. Is. A. Gun.

Don't Let It Happen 3: Don't Point This Book At Anyone (It's a Gun)

To prove the effectiveness of this twist, we've prepared a surprise that at this point, you might have seen coming. We talk a lot about Hell Gate being a worker-owned cooperative of journalists, and how important your support is to keep us running. What would you say if I told you that all along, Hell Gate, seemingly a website, is actually a firearm? Well, you better figure it out quick, buddy, because guess what?

You thought you were reading the Morning Spew? Turn your phone over in your hand. That's right.

THESE LINKS ARE GUNS:

• Governor Kathy Hochul now actually thinks having National Guard soldiers with long guns on the subway isn't the best look. Wait until she hears about the mayor…
• The New York Civil Liberties Union is suing Columbia University over their suspension of pro-Palestine student groups.
• An essay in the Ringer reckons with a white Harlem.
• Chic treatments for hiding the bathtub in your apartment's kitchen.
• The City is now claiming that borough-based jails, central to the plan to close Rikers, will cost nearly twice as much as they had previously said.
• "Eric Adams defends NYPD after clip emerges of cops using stun gun on migrant holding baby in NYC shelter."
• Open Streets programs are running out of cash and may soon disappear.
• New York's mosques are struggling under the strain of newly arrived asylum seekers this Ramadan.
• With the influx of migrants, the sight of children selling candy on the subway has become more common, but City agencies say they can't do anything about it.
• Mall developer Westfield is trying to bow out of its lease at at Fulton Transit Center by claiming it's too dangerous.
• Throngs of Trader Joe's shoppers are seeking the store's new mini tote bags for some reason. Get a Hell Gate tote instead.
• Did you know there'll soon be a mini forest on Roosevelt Island?
• George Santos is still saying he's running for Congress again.
• A BMW driver crashed and killed his passenger on Staten Island, then fled the scene on foot.
• Two conspirators in a straw donor scheme that benefited Mayor Adams's 2021 campaign have pleaded guilty.