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Morning Spew

Stop the Presses (Please): Mayor Adams Is Writing Another Book

Some ideas for the mayor's first best-seller.

New York City Mayor Eric Adams participates in a food distribution hosted by People Connecting New York (PCNY) and The Ellen Maguire Foundation. (Benny Polatseck / Mayoral Photography Office)

When the news hit social media yesterday that Mayor Eric Adams is planning to write (or is currently in the process of writing?) another book, excitement tore through the Hell Gate offices. As fans and avid readers of the Eric Adams bibliography, we can't wait to get our hands on the mayor's next tome. But if something changes and he starts having trouble finding the time to prepare a manuscript while, you know, being the mayor of the biggest city in America, we've got some suggestions on a possible literary avenue the mayor could explore.

The mayor's most famous work, "Don't Let it Happen," was part of his public push as a state senator to teach New York parents how to make sure that their kids aren't harboring guns or drugs. Well, since the veracity of some of the material in the book has come under scrutiny lately, now is the perfect time to issue a new version of "Don't Let it Happen" that's factually bulletproof, but that also concludes by warning parents about a new, creative way youngsters are using to hide guns in plain sight: by disguising them as politicians. It's part-memoir, part-YA fantasy. 

What better way for a teen to hide a gun than to have it elected mayor of New York City? Who would ever think of that? This narrative twist will be what finally hammers home the shocking truth about the pervasiveness of contraband firearms, and how they could be anywhere: The mayor is a fucking gun. 

Don't Let It Happen 2: I Am A Gun 

And then, while the reader is still reeling from the revelation that the 63-year-old mayor has all along been 5 feet and 8 inches of cold-rolled steel, lock, stock and barrel, you hit them with another whammy: The book they're reading? The one they've just gotten to the last page of? That's no book, you sweet, trusting fool. It's the unforgiving iron grip of a Smith & Wesson .40 caliber handgun with the serial number filed off. This. Book. Is. A. Gun.

Don't Let It Happen 3: Don't Point This Book At Anyone (It's a Gun)

To prove the effectiveness of this twist, we've prepared a surprise that at this point, you might have seen coming. We talk a lot about Hell Gate being a worker-owned cooperative of journalists, and how important your support is to keep us running. What would you say if I told you that all along, Hell Gate, seemingly a website, is actually a firearm? Well, you better figure it out quick, buddy, because guess what?

You thought you were reading the Morning Spew? Turn your phone over in your hand. That's right.

THESE LINKS ARE GUNS:

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