Get ready to break out your to-do lists, organize your shoe racks, and judge everyone you’ve ever met, because it’s VIRGO SEASON BABY, the greatest season of them all. That’s straight from the planets and has nothing to do with the fact that this particular astrologer happens to be a Virgo. She’d never lie to you! Please note that the planets also say you should spend September showering Virgos with nice blog comments or you’ll get hit by a meteor.
Of course, despite being a chunk of the greatest season in the zodiac, there is a dark side to this September: the return of Mercury retrograde. And yes, you, devoted reader of this horoscope column, might recall that we just finished a period of Mercury in retrograde in June, but it seems that for a completely made-up phenomenon, this one comes around quite a bit. Expect things to start going haywire on September 9, with a full moon in Pisces set to further rattle Mayor Adams’s favorite underground energy crystals on September 10.
Here’s what else is coming this month:
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
It’s your season, Virgo! And since you are objectively the top sign, this means you’ll be enjoying a month of blessings. Your train will always come on time, the never-ending Augtember humidity won’t muss a single hair, and the bodega will always have the good candy in stock. This good fortune pales in comparison to the crushing sense of existential grief you experience by turning one year older, not to mention the compulsion, upon hitting yet another marker of the passage of time, to get stuck in an anxiety loop as you consider all the ways you’ve failed to achieve your life goals. But never mind that now—Virgo season forever!
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
Usually, Virgo season is a great time for you, and indeed, early on in September, you’re going to start dating a nice man from Hinge. He lives in New Jersey, but that’s fine—you’re comfortable with long distance, the tomatoes are good, and your mom loves Bruce Springsteen. Of course, all this happens before Mercury goes into retrograde, whereupon you’ll discover the secret Twitter account he uses to talk about how congestion pricing is “the literal Holocaust,” so.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 22)
The combination of Virgo season and Mercury retrograde will have you on edge this month, but we promise that good luck is coming your way. Indeed, you’ll have not one, not two, but THREE Richard Kind sightings in one week, which is basically the same thing as finding $100 on the ground, but without the anthrax risk.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)
Sagittarius’s larger-than-life spirit and generous nature comes into play in full force during Virgo season, and this year is no exception. A lover of the environment and a fierce protector of the tree outside your window, you’ve been taking it upon yourself to stomp on every spotted lanternfly that dares cross your path, leaving their mangled, polka-dotted bodies embedded in the sidewalk in your wake. Unfortunately, it turns out one of the lanternflies you mercilessly squashed has a family. They decide to seek revenge, murdering both you and your beloved tree in the middle of the night.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
This month is a good opportunity for you to let go of the relationships that are no longer serving you, which for you means you’re packing up your studio apartment and moving to a farmhouse in the Hudson Valley. The house has no internet or phone service. You can see the stars at night. A family of bunnies lives in peace under the front steps. You are so, so happy.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
September 10’s full moon in Pisces is the perfect time for you to practice self-care, so you’ll head to your local bodega to spend some special snuggle time with your favorite kitty. Sadly, it appears the cat has recently gone viral on TikTok, and his newfound social media fame has made him snobby. When you try to pet him, he charges you $20. You can’t afford that kind of scratch in this economy, so you’ll have to find a less in-demand bodega cat to befriend, at least until the general price of goods goes down.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Bedbugs not gone yet, sorry.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
This month, the stars are aligned in your favor when it comes to working on crushing your goals. Specifically, your goal to go outside, even though it’s 95 degrees out with 7,000 percent humidity. Lifting yourself off the couch to brave the elements is extremely difficult, but with a little push from the new moon on September 25, we’re optimistic you can make it at least down the block before passing out in a puddle of your own disgusting body fluid.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
At the start of September, you’ll be delighted to discover that your favorite independent coffee shop is opening a new location two blocks from you. Sure, the original coffee shop was only three blocks from you, but you’re not about to complain about trekking 100 fewer steps to get a caffeine fix. All is coffee heaven for a week or two, until Mercury starts rolling backwards. That’s when you learn yet another outpost of that coffee shop is opening one block away, another one is opening right next door, and a third is opening around the corner. This feels a tad suspect. After some Nextdoor perusing that takes you to some dark places, you learn the coffee shop is actually a private equity-backed evil conglomerate whose true purpose is to destroy neighborhood businesses and, eventually, disintegrate every New Yorker into ash. You start going to Starbucks instead.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Virgo season has you feeling a little cooped up, dear Gemini, so you decide to leave your apartment for a few hours to enjoy the peaceful great outdoors. You head to the park where, as luck would have it, you manage to find a shady spot to sit and read. Sadly, only a few pages into "Book Lovers," a ska band shows up out of nowhere and starts playing a set a mere ten feet away from you. You will never go outside again.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
We’re sorry to report that Mercury’s retrograde is set to screw up your travel plans. Specifically, you’ll be waiting for the 4 train one day when not one, not two, but THREE garbage trains come through. Thirty minutes into this, you’re starting to lose hope when a bright light fills the tunnel and you hear the familiar wheel screech. Is it real? Are you saved? Has your 4 finally arrived? Nope, it’s another garbage train.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
Virgo season is a good time for you to step outside your comfort zone and make new connections, sweet Leo, so instead of spending your post-work evenings at home with the TV, you decide to make a bar in your neighborhood your new hangout and head there every night. Unbeknownst to you, though, you’re not the only newcomer with that idea. Indeed, one evening, while relaxing at a table with a High Life and a whiskey shot, you’re attacked by a possum who made a home for itself in the bar’s ceiling. It’s not a great experience for you.
