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Morning Spew

Reasons Why Hell Gate’s Facial Recognition Scanners Have Banned You From Our Arena

James Dolan has inspired us to make some changes, and much more.

9:33 AM EST on December 21, 2022

An MTA information screen has been punched out and displays glitches on the subway platform.

(Hell Gate)

A member of the current mayoral administration was recently quoted as saying, "When they go low? We drill for oil." 

And when people go low against Knicks owner James Dolan? Dolan hires a team of engineers to build working replicas of the asteroid drills in "Armageddon" to carve a path to the center of the earth, builds a stage made of magma, and charges $76.88 (plus $46.44 in fees) to watch him play harmonica.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Kelly Conlon thought she could take her daughter and her Girl Scout troop to the Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall. When she attempted to enter, she was stopped by the venue's facial recognition technology. 

According to NBC New York, Conlon had been blacklisted, because she's a member of a New Jersey-based law firm that is involved in personal injury litigation against a Madison Square Garden Entertainment property. Dolan owns MSG Entertainment, and has been blacklisting attorneys at his venues across town.

"It was pretty simultaneous, I think, to me, going through the metal detector, that I heard over an intercom or loudspeaker," she told NBC New York. "I heard them say woman with long dark hair and a grey scarf."


"I believe they said that our recognition picked you up," Conlon said.


A sign says facial recognition is used as a security measure to ensure safety for guests and employees. Conlon says she posed no threat, but the guards still kicked her out with the explanation that they knew she was an attorney.


"They knew my name before I told them. They knew the firm I was associated with before I told them. And they told me I was not allowed to be there," said Conlon.

An MSG spokesperson admitted to NBC that Conlon had been bounced but defended the practice: "While we understand this policy is disappointing to some, we cannot ignore the fact that litigation creates an inherently adverse environment."

Inspired by this intoxicating mixture of spite, technology, and good old fashioned humbug (banned from the Christmas Spectacular!) Hell Gate is proud to announce that anyone who has done the following things will not be permitted to enter the Hell Ape Exchange Arena (HAX Arena) in 2023:

You failed to properly link to and cite Hell Gate's coverage (editors AND reporters will be barred, unfortunately, because we cannot ignore that journalism creates an inherently adverse environment).

You honked the horn of your car, for any reason. This is vile behavior, and we can't have you here, sorry.

You attempted to unionize Hell Gate. You know who you are. Banned.

You dressed your dog up in a costume for Halloween. Unacceptable.

You said mean things about our Foghat cover band, FogHell. Banned.

You tried to give us a hug when you saw us crying at the coffee shop. No refunds.

You made our milkshake but it tasted funny but when we said we knew you were trying to poison us you said no you weren't and then proved it, humiliating us, which was an act of aggression.

You defeated us in the fishing contest by hiding three 16" bass up your sleeves.

You betrayed us in a game of strategy and deception played in a Slack channel by coastal media elites.

You included us in your "Reasons to Love New York" issue but didn't put us on the cover.

You included our tweet in the "Reasons to Love New York" letters section without proper remuneration.

You laughed at us when we came onstage with our famous friend but not the way we wanted you to laugh at us.

You instigated a debilitating run on Hell Apes in a cutthroat bid to pump your own crypto-collectible, RoboGoats.

You screenshotted our Hell Apes.

Some links:

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