How Do Dudes Pee? An Earth-Shattering Reveal

The earth revolves around the sun, death is inevitable, and cis men pull their pants down to at least below their butts when they pee—until this week, those were incontrovertible truths in my mind, facts that were so solid and backed by science that I never thought to question them.  

Imagine my surprise when the men of Hell Gate informed me otherwise—no, they do NOT pull their pants down below their butts when they pee. 

Below is the full transcript of our eye-opening Slack conversation, which began after my colleague Adlan Jackson questioned a sentence I had blithely and innocently added to a very good blog of his. I'm sharing this with you as a public service, so that no cis man will ever clown you for assuming, as I did, that they don't want to get piss on themselves when they pee. 

Adlan Jackson: "The toilet room was so small that it was hard to see how anyone standing up to pee could do so without feeling the cold wall on their backside." 

this kind of implies pulling your pants all the way down to pee lol

Esther Wang: lol wait

do you not…

Adlan Jackson: no lol in fact that's considered RISIBLE in the standing up to pee community

Esther Wang: wait i am so confused

what do you do then

Christopher Robbins: you unzip your fly.....

Adlan Jackson: you use the fly!

Esther Wang: right

Max Rivlin-Nadler: esther

Esther Wang: but you still have to pull down your pants no?

Christopher Robbins: lol Esther Discovers Pants

Adlan Jackson: there aren't just like... lines of exposed asses at urinals

Christopher Robbins: haahahahahaha

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Esther Wang: guys

my mind is blown

i’m dying

Nick Pinto: There's a front/back differential that's employed

Max Rivlin-Nadler: like, at the mets game...in the bathroom...you think we walk in and there's like 40 asses? 

Christopher Robbins: would never use a public restroom if that were the case

Esther Wang: so do you hold the front of your pants down?

like, wouldn't they start riding up?

Nick Pinto: this is where the fly comes in

Adlan Jackson: you do pull the front down slightly

Christopher Robbins:

Esther Wang: y'all

ok i just attempted to recreate this

Max Rivlin-Nadler: there's a positioning, yes

Esther Wang: i am wearing jeans right now

and one literally has to pull the pants down

Christopher Robbins: this is an actual stop the presses moment

Max Rivlin-Nadler: how high is this waist??

Esther Wang: like, do you have to lift the penis up

bc to get your pants low enough

you have to pull them down

Christopher Robbins:

incredible

Nick Pinto: yeah you generally take it in hand

Max Rivlin-Nadler: I just laughed so hard my contact fell out

Esther Wang: wow

i don't even know what to say

i still don't understand the mechanics of this

Max Rivlin-Nadler: the zipper is crucial, think about the zipper

Esther Wang: like how do you not end up getting pee on yourself

if you don't pull your pants down

Christopher Robbins: sometimes you do get drops of pee on yourself

Adlan Jackson: you aim lol

Christopher Robbins:

Adlan Jackson: but yeah the backsplash is sort of part of the nasty underbelly of society we all live with

Nick Pinto: but also here the targeted directionality of an external apparatus is helpful

Esther Wang: "sometimes you do get drops of pee on yourself"

vindicated