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Horoscopes

Steamy Gemini June

Once Mercury’s spinning in the right direction, anything bad that happens is entirely your fault, and can’t be blamed on a made-up phenomenon.

2:40 PM EDT on May 31, 2022

May was, well, a month that happened. While we can't make any promises that June will be better since the world is as dedicated as ever to being a sick and twisted hellscape, the planets do have some good news...for some of you.

The most important piece of necessary karmic energy is that Mercury's retrograde ends in Taurus on June 3, and though there's a bit of a hangover, we'll be free of all its effects after June 18. Of course, once Mercury's spinning in the right direction, anything bad that happens is entirely your fault, and can't be blamed on an entirely made-up phenomenon. Just something fun to sit with!

GEMINI (May 21-June 21)

Happy birthday, Gemini! Your gift is Mercury moving into Taurus in the midst of its retrograde, which, depending on your read of the planetary alignments, could portend good fortune, but probably means you'll be crushed to death by a falling air conditioner unit sometime around the end of June. Oh well, can't be helped.

CANCER (June 22-July 22)

June is actually looking pretty good for you, lucky Cancer. The days are lengthening, the weather's warming, and your boss is taking the month off to summer in some rich-person enclave upstate, so you can "work" from Rippers every Friday. TBH, your horoscope is so positive it makes this pessimistic astrologist feel physically ill. Surely, personal disaster looms somewhere. Maybe a sunburn? Connolly’s piña colada too melty?

LEO (July 23-August 22)

With the sun in Cancer and Mercury retrograde ending just ahead of Leo season, June promises to be a month full of adventure for you. It's true—your Q train is destined to turn into an R train and then an F train, and then maybe a B just to keep it spicy. Remember, Leo, getting there is half the journey! (And when it comes to the MTA, double the time.)

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Mercury retrograde is never a good time for you, dear persnickety Virgo, and when it comes to an end on June 3—and, more importantly, when it enters your tenth house on June 13—you'll notice it'll make space for some stalled projects to move forward. Unfortunately, one of the stalled projects that'll restart is the new luxury housing development down the block. That 7 a.m. jackhammering will be white noise in no time, we promise.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

This month, Venus has big plans to team up with Uranus in your eighth house, which spells big change for you. Indeed, your roommate will unceremoniously announce he's moving out. This'll launch you into several weeks of interviewing a veritable conveyor belt of the Worst People Ever to see which one you'll be stuck with on the other side of a very thin wall. Options include a couple who "went on a break but are patching things up," an electronic keyboardist, a 35-year-old man who just moved out of his mom's house and asked you to show him how to clean a counter, and a freelance journalist.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 22)

With Mercury heading into your seventh house of partnerships this month, you'll be ready to settle on a summer crush. Sadly, the heart wants what the heart wants, and this particular crush has taken the congressional redistricting really, really, really hard, like, crying over beers because they've shifted from Hakeem Jeffries's district to Nydia Velázquez’s, and that's just too much change, you know? The good news is, you'll only have to deal with this until the end of August, but it's going to be a tough few months in the meantime.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)

This month, there's a full moon in your sign on June 14, and it's going to shake you out of your comfort zone. That's right: You're going to get your turkey-and-cheese on a hero instead of a roll. It's a major move for you, and the man at the deli counter eyes you suspiciously when you ask for it. Surely, that sandwich is too big for you, right? But bravely, you persevere, knowing that all you've eaten that day is a handful of Old Bay Goldfish crackers and boy, does a big ol' hero sandwich sound delicious right now. You eat half of it and accidentally leave the other half under a table at The Crown Inn.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

Mercury's forward-moving trajectory will have it dragging through your health and wellness zone from June 13 to July 5, which means you'll finally bite the bullet and join a Blink. You'll go once, Instagram yourself in a new fitness outfit, use the elliptical for approximately 20 minutes, and never set foot in there again. But you won't cancel the monthly membership until 2025.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

It’s time to get COVID again!

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

For you, dear Pisces, Gemini season is a time of excess communication, which means you'll be so involved in a group chat fight over whether or not Spotify is evil while you're at an A train station that you'll fling your phone onto the subway tracks in a fit of rage. As you're waiting for an attendant to safely retrieve it, a subway rat that has somehow managed to develop opposable thumbs in its quest for Darwinian fitness will manage to use your passcode to unlock it and take a series of increasingly disturbing selfies that it then sends to all your friends and family. Someone manages to capture the entire incident in a video that goes viral. Subway Rat gets a book deal. You spend $1,100 on a new phone.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

June is your social season, and to gear up for a big night out, you make a pilgrimage to Walgreens to purchase five boxes of Pedialyte packets. Unfortunately, the Pedialyte is trapped in an anti-theft cage, and you're simply too embarrassed to ask an employee to retrieve a children's post-diarrhea supplement for you. Instead, you skip the Pedialyte, stick with "one alcohol" (tequila) and black out at some party on the Lower East Side. Later, it turns out you spoke at length to a party reporter and you end up getting pull-quoted in an embarrassing trend piece about New York’s "newest" and "hippest" social scene. You're going to stay home for the rest of the summer.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You're going to have a nice month, actually. Nothing else to report. Check back in July, where surely there will be chaos.

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