Skip to Content
Correct Opinions

It’s a Beautiful Day to Get Your Own Fucking Lunch

Perhaps you want to stare impotently at your phone, waiting for another grown adult to come feed you so you can keep surviving.

2:13 PM EDT on May 17, 2022

A person walking on a NYC sidewalk with what appears to be a takeout bag of lunch

Oh wow a person getting their own lunch (Hell Gate)

It's 76 degrees and sunny in New York City—meaning that conditions are ideal for many adults to either make or retrieve their own lunch.

Yes, the food-delivery app Grubhub is giving its users a free order up to $15. ("Real New Yorkers are joining us for free lunch," is the pitch.) And if you are unable to get or make yourself a midday meal, you may want to use this promotional offer.

But to everyone else: have you considered that you could just exit your apartment or place of business, travel a few blocks in the most densely populated city in North America, and find yourself something to eat?

You'd be missing out on $15 bucks, which doesn't even cover the cost of a Midtown salad dusted with a fistful of pomegranate seeds. But think about what you're losing when you smash that "FREELUNCH" code.

Instead of saying "turkey sandwich" to another human being and holding a tasty, filling meal in your hands moments later, you are now adding 300 additional steps to a problem that this city was literally built to solve in five minutes. Not to get all Jane Jacobs on you, but this is stupid.

"Oh, but I want a sushi burrito from that place that's a mile away."

Think of how delicious it will be once you go and forage for it yourself! How empowered you will feel, chomping down on a thing that you wanted enough to take action for—and you succeeded! Life is all about small victories like this.

Perhaps you want to stare impotently at your phone, waiting for another grown adult to come feed you so you can keep surviving; another grown adult with their own problems and memories and feelings, who almost certainly isn't getting paid enough for the job of literally keeping you alive, while the company that is paying for your meal, a $6 billion company built on this cheap labor, and these same dark and antisocial desires to be still and be fed, changes hands again and again.

Or, you could open your fridge and see what's there. Throw some chickpeas on it. Maybe an apple. Lunch is served.

Stay in touch

Sign up for our free newsletter

More from Hell Gate

Horoscopes

Prepare Yourself for Sagittarius December Doldrums

It's December at last, which means New York's indisputable worst month (November) is over.

Morning Spew

It’s Thursday and the MTA Is Yet Again Staring Into the Abyss

Albany to NYC Subways, Drop Dead? And other links to start your day.

December 1, 2022
Eternal City

Henry Hill Slept Here: My Journey Through the ‘Goodfellas’ Locations of NYC

The tour’s locations capture a relatively ungentrified slice of deep Brooklyn and Queens, where mobsters once reigned like kings, hijacking and stealing and paying off the cops...And now it’s all over.

November 30, 2022
Eternal City

Let’s All Marvel at the Giant Tree We Murdered And Dragged Into Midtown Manhattan

A Norway spruce might live 300 years or longer, but this one would have to die.

Morning Spew

It’s Wednesday and We’re Involuntarily Confining People to Conceal Our Societal Failures Again

Eric Adams announces a huge policy shift before jetting off to Greece and Qatar, and more links for your day.

November 30, 2022
See all posts